Lately I've been contemplating about what I've been doing with my life. Not so much that I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, more like how am I preparing for my future. Sure I may be on the right path and really know my strengths and weaknesses. But how sure am I about those things? I honestly, don't know. My greatest weakness is putting others before me, and knowing how to be selfish without the guilt. I work in a field where I put my athletes and clients first. Then worry about myself after I close the door and walk to my car. Ever since identifying this issue prioritizing has been a challenge. I could say that I've made some progress but there's always room for more improvement. I know what my strengths are: I listen to others pretty well, I am understanding, patient, affable, and I work really well with my hands. My hands are my prized possessions. I did wonder if there's a way to insure them... Jokingly. I'm sure there's a way but that's not my priority right now.I'm trying my best to be more aware of myself and trying to figure things out. I need to take care of myself to be happy. Maybe I am happy and don't know it. Maybe I just need to stop living in the future and live in the moment, living in the now so to speak. I have a bad tendency to be way over my head and not realize what the hell I'm doing in the present. Not having awareness in my present is a terrible feeling. I open my eyes and ask, "how far did I drive?" without knowing if I zoned out or just left my presence temporarily (luckily, I was driving in smooth traffic).
I am nervous about making decisions for my future... I know one thing for sure that I can't wait to have a future with Jonathan. Outside of that I have no idea what I'll be doing. I asked myself tonight "In 5 years what do you think you'll be doing?" as if I'm interviewing myself. My answer: the hell if I knew. I wish I knew how to answer that but I don't. Oh well. I have other things to take care besides worrying about my future. For instance, maintaining this blog.
So my fitness lifestyle is going well but at the same time I have slumps. This week has been interesting, there were times where I didn't feel like working out or I ate a whole giant bag of Pirate's Booty just because I have no motivation to eat clean or what have you. I don't know, maybe it's this work week on top of last week, I have never been this overwhelmed with Winter season sports before, it's chaotic and discombobulating. Despite my stressful week and a half I'm still getting my ass into the weight room to workout. Yesterday (Tuesday) I challenged myself and managed to do a working set of 3x8reps of 135lbs squats! I thought I was going to have a rough time but I did it! Yay! That motivated me to stop snacking on shit, get my act together, and eat real food. Now that February is coming up soon I may start measuring my macronutrients and eat according to my goals. I won't call it dieting because I'm eating, not starving myself. My other goal for this year is to do cardio at least 2x/week. Cardio would mean HIIT workouts that last about 20-30min depending on exercises and how many rounds I feel like going. Hopefully I can take some more progress shots soon. I don't have a mirror in my room but there is one in my bathroom with interesting lighting so we'll see. I will say that my arms and shoulders are becoming more and more sculpted. I feel like my limbs and back are getting stronger/sculpted/toned but my mid-section is just lagging. Sigh... I mean it's smaller than it used to be but it's one of those things that is so difficult to work on.
Anyway, thought I'd share my random thoughts and life "issues" that are occurring but I remind myself to be thankful everyday for a job, a roof over my head, food to eat, to be loved by someone, and to love someone. I hope you're all having a good week! And pray that it'll rain for a good amount of time, the Bay Area needs it big time.
Be healthy!
- Marie
